Last week’s post about my brother’s pedicure hit the funny spot, so I’m writing another humor post about cosmetology school. Believe me, there’s plenty of material. So, for you prospective students, take a gander at some wisdom gathered during my time there.
1. It’s not for the faint of heart
I had heard this before I started, but it is so utterly true. The amount of dandruff I’ve seen and gotten stuck under my nails is shocking. Who knew so many people had dandruff?
And then some people are opposed to the idea of washing their hair. It’s like they’re afraid it’ll all melt off if one ounce of shampoo and water comes near it. This was never one type of person. I saw it with so many people.
2. You have to touch feet
If you’re going to school for this, more than likely pedicures will be in your future. Just watch out for those pesky flying toenails. They’re a pain in the eye.
3. You may see half-naked strangers
Again, if your school offers back treatments, you may see your fair share of topless strangers. Thankfully, I got the majority of mine done on family, but the ones that weren’t… Let’s just say it was awkward.
This is like pedicures for me, though. I love to get back massages. Don’t like giving them to strangers.
4. You might have to work at the front desk/dispensary
For many girls and guys at the school I went to, this was the equivalent of a death sentence. You’d either get stuck at a desk for a week or packed like sardines into a tiny room where everyone went to mix their color. Personally, I preferred the dispensary. At least you got to wiggle around a little in your sardine can. The front desk motto was: leave this desk unattended and you die.
5. Break time is a myth
Hungry? Tired? Need to smoke? Tough beans! You don’t get a break unless there is downtime for it. Of course, this is similar to how a salon works, but I never understood why, when you’re working, you can’t schedule in a tiny 15 minute lunch break.
You’d be amazed at how fast you can shove a sandwich down your throat when you have five minutes to eat.
Was that beef or chicken that I just ate?
6. You think you’re hot stuff until you cut yourself
Yeah, they teach you all these cool techniques for cutting hair and snazzy ways to use your shears (and by the way, it’s shears. Not scissors. Heaven forbid you call them scissors). Once you get the hang of the technique (or not), you start doing it faster and it’s all fancy looking like you see on the YouTube videos and then…you guessed it. Blood is spilled on the battlefield. Nothing kills your mojo faster than having to get a bandaid because you’re still a newbie.
7. Learn to pee quick
Similar to having no breaks, your bladder will feel like it has been entered into an endurance marathon. It will yell at you, occupy your attention, and make you see yellow. In short, your bladder becomes your nemesis because it suddenly shrinks to the size of a pea when you’re in the middle of a client’s service.
8. Expect frequent bouts of TMI
You learn a lot of things at cosmetology school and doing hair is less than 10% of it. Clients will sit in your chair and, though normally they only say about five words a day on average, they can’t seem to stop talking. It’s nice in a way because this verbal diarrhea keeps you entertained, but you’ll hear way more than you want to. You’ll learn what the doctor told them at their last visit, how many dogs they have, what they think of Obama, and which church they go to.
And then there are your classmates. They’re the main point of TMI. I can’t tell you how many times I heard all the unwanted info about the wars with their boyfriends or how constipated they were.
Yes, girls talk about poop too. Not like I wanted to know, though.